


you bite your tongue and you torch your dreams

by orphan_account



Series: firefighter AU [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, FFAU, Firefighter AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 16:42:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3297341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla is a firefighter. That's basically it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is kind of sorta from the Daughter song "Candles".
> 
> (I seem to have a thing for naming fics after their songs)
> 
> Based on tumblr user izzyvonheeringen's idea, so if you're in pain after this, she's to blame.

Your father walked out on your family when you were younger.

He was drunk, you remember, and swaying on his feet as he walked out the door, backpack slung carelessly over one shoulder. Your mother had cried, maybe. You’re not sure because you’ve never seen her cry at any other time so you don’t know if you remember her crying or if you’d imagined it. She was sad for a long time and so you and Will were sad for a long time, too.

She died before she ever got happy again and the two of you were put in foster care. And you have a new mother who is nothing like your old one, your real one. This one forgets to turn off the stove a lot and the Fire Captain has had to talk to her in person about the dangers of children burning themselves on the stove. She does a fair bit of swearing too and doesn’t like the fact that you like reading instead of talking, but it doesn’t matter because you and Will can pretend you’re back with your actual family. You remind each other how your parents looked, how your father’s nose hooked in the same way as yours and how your mother’s eyebrows knitted in the same way as Will’s. You repeat this to him every night before the both of you go to sleep.

You remind yourselves that there used to be something before this mess you’re in now.

 

* * *

 

You read in class because there is nothing any of your teachers can say that you haven’t already read about and you are so disinterested in all of them spewing facts from a textbook ten years older than even they are. You kind of pay attention in Astronomy but only because your mother was named after a galaxy somewhere far away and it makes you happy because you and Will may forget what she looks like one day, but you will always be able to see what she was called inside of books.

And maybe she’s better remembered as a collection of stars and bright things instead of the broken face you and Will love something fierce.

 

* * *

 

This is how you meet Ell.

You’re sitting in the back of the room, feet propped up on your desk. You’ve got a book in your lap and you’re skimming through pages in an attempt to find your place in it when she slaps your leg and says,

“Do you not have a bookmark, dumbass?”

You glare at her because that’s what you do, you’re known for it now around school actually, but she only smirks back.

“I’m trying to read about anuses here, but you’re sitting there making as much noise as a goddamn printing press.” She shakes her head and goes back to her textbook.

“Why read about anuses when you’re already an asshole?” You exaggerate turning the pages and you kind of want to slap yourself at this point because you’re annoying. It’s like your favorite thing, though, riling people up so you continue. “Seriously, don’t even read about them. Just get yourself a mirror.”

You go back to your book and she doesn’t bother you for the remainder of class. She holds a hand out for you to shake as you’re packing up, though.

“Ell.” She says. You eye her hand, but you don’t take it.

“Carmilla.”

She nods at you and you glare back until she eventually walks away. The next day, she hands you a homemade bookmark with the word ‘dumbass’ scrawled across the front.

You think she might have just become your first friend.

 

* * *

 

Ell smokes, you figure out during lunch the next day. She hangs out with the seniors who crowd around your high school’s smoke pit and they welcome you with a _hey freshie_ and hand you a lit cigarette. You cough like crazy after taking a drag from it and they promise that’ll stop happening when you get used to it.

You still spend most of your time reading even while you’re sitting around the rim of the pit. Ell likes to sit beside you and sometimes you share a smoke. The seniors jokingly call the two of you girlfriends and she shrugs it off with comments about how they’re all just pedophiles.

You like having her around and she charms your foster mother into letting you go out at night with her and her friends. They like to do stupid things like graffiti school property and set fire to random bushes or trees in the neighbourhood. You see the Fire Captain sometimes in the library with his wife and his daughter, who looks only a few years younger than you. He looks at you knowingly a lot of the time and it never fails to make you blush because you feel like he _knows_ and you’ll get in trouble. But when you tell Ell, she just laughs and kisses your cheek because _come on, dumbass, he has better things to do than run around after a bunch of kids, he doesn’t know jack shit_ and you feel better.

 

* * *

 

Senior year, though, Ell and her friends and you are just walking around town at night when one of them decides it’d be fun to burn down a housing building. You’re used to their antics by now and you know part of their thought process is courtesy of the drugs in their systems.

You still don’t really understand how they managed so quickly to move on from smoking cigarettes to snorting cocaine, but you just roll your eyes at the idea like you normally would and call them all jackasses and they laugh at you and buy gasoline from the gas station. You sit on the curb of the sidewalk across the street from the building with Ell who is laughing at the people running away in panic and you hold her hand, but you don’t laugh like everyone else especially when the Fire Captain emerges from the building in plain clothes with his daughter kicking and screaming hysterically in the night.

 

* * *

 

They’re not laughing anymore a day later after a woman dies in the fire and you’re all pulled in to the police station. You can’t look directly at the Fire Captain without feeling like you’ve been punched in the gut and you kind of decide that you’re done with Ell when he tells you all that the woman who died in the fire was his _wife_.

You honestly half expect to be arrested, but you’re only questioned about what you witnessed and afterwards you sit in the lobby of the station, waiting for Ell because you had all been questioned separately. The Fire Captain comes up to you and offers you a card and he says _you’re better than this, Karnstein_ and _you’re a smart kid, call me when you want to start acting like one_ and all you can think to do is glare at him.

 

* * *

 

You pick up your phone three months later, after you have a huge fight with Ell about the fact that she’s now a cocaine addict. It’s a month before you’re legally free from your foster home and you have lost the only person you’ve ever had outside of Will. It’s safe to say you’re a bit desperate at this point.

There has only ever been one person who’s told you that you can be better than what you already are.

He picks up after a few rings and you say,

“Hi, it’s Carmilla Karnstein”

 

* * *

 

Seven years later, you’re the Fire Captain and that phone call is still the most important one you’ve ever made.


	2. Chapter 2

You’re on your third cup of coffee already when Laura walks in. She’s in a pencil skirt and blazer ensemble that makes your mouth water a little bit and you look away as quickly as you can manage because you’ve caught yourself staring far too much at her recently and she’s _the Chief’s daughter_.

Otherwise known as the one girl in this goddamn town you shouldn’t even _think_ about laying a finger on.

She pulls out a chair and takes a seat across the table from you. You feel like the room has gotten ten times brighter all of a sudden which is ridiculous because the station kitchen has needed new light bulbs for what feels like ten years now.

“Hey.” Laura says and you nod at her and school your face to look indifferent. You’ve known Laura for years now, though, so it doesn’t surprise you anymore when she reaches over and taps your cheek in the way that always makes you break into a grin.

“There you are.” She says and withdraws her hand. “What’s with you this morning?”

“I’m just tired.” You take another sip of coffee. “I have eight hours to go.”

She grimaces and shrugs as if to say _it is what it is_ and you go back to your coffee and watch her pull out her little notebook. She’s got the messy scrawl down pat and honestly, you can watch her write for hours.

After a while, Laura looks up and you don’t even pretend you weren’t staring because she’s gorgeous and you’re sixteen hours into a shift that has been more draining than usual. Her cheeks turn pink and you raise an eyebrow at her playfully.

“How’s the ginger engineer you’ve been following around like a puppy?”

“Shut up.” She says, scowling. “My Dad will honest to god kill me if I even as so much bat my eyelashes at Danny. He’s so archaic.”

“I wouldn’t want any of these idiots touching my daughter either.” You say, trying not to smile at the sight of Laura’s tiny, balled fists.

“He doesn’t seem to mind you.”

“He knows I wouldn’t touch.”

“You look.” She says, smug smile firmly in place.

How the hell do you always end up finding yourself in these situations with Laura? You’re not the masochistic kind, but this girl seems to bring that out in you.

“Have you ever heard of the saying ‘look, don’t touch’, buttercup?”

She lets her smugness peter out into the dorky smile she might as well have trademarked and you know the moment’s over. It’s a relief, honestly.

“Danny’s great."

“You gonna do anything about it?”

Laura looks like she’s thinking before she replies.

“Nah. A little crush is not worth all the trouble with my Dad.” She gets started on the writing again. “How’s that girl you were talking about last week?”

“I don’t know. I’m not seeing her anymore.”

Laura’s about to respond, but the alarm rings and you immediately get up. She stands and kisses your cheek as you rush by her and her customary farewell that consists of _be careful_ and _see you later_ rattles around in your head the whole drive to the emergency.

 

* * *

 

Laura rolls up to the scene in her old beat up pick up truck almost as soon as the fire is out. You watch her get out and start walking towards you. Sometimes, when Laura is far away or has her back towards you, her movements remind you of the mother she lost. You’ve catalogued every feature of that woman in your head much like you have your own mother. She too serves as an important figure in your life.

“What’s the situation, Captain?” Laura smiles at you and you roll your eyes; stuff your hands in the pockets of your pants.

“Don’t call me that.” You tell her and her smile widens. “Looks like the fire started on the third floor.”

“Anything else?”

“We’ll know more once the investigators get in there.” She scribbles something down and you wait for her to finish before adding. “The fire had a trail, though.”

“Trail?”

“Seriously? You don’t know that? How long have you been doing this?”

She hits you in the arm half-heartedly and raises her eyebrows.

“Should I put that on record?”

“You never said any of this was on record.”

“Seriously?” She’s smiling again. “How long have you been doing this?”

You roll your eyes and recognize that you’re fighting a losing battle.

“Trail as in someone led this fire through the place using gasoline or something. Again, we’ll know more later.” You nod at Kirsch, your fellow firefighter, as he passes by. “No casualties. Building was abandoned.”

Laura hums at that and you take it as her saying she’s basically got all she needs from you so you move along and start helping to pack everything up in preparation for your return to the station while she’s talking to a random woman on the street. Laura seems to know everyone in this town. Not only that, they all seem to _like_ her.

You know exactly when she’s done with the scene because she walks over to where you are and tells you she’s about to head out.

“I’ll pick you up Sunday.” She says, referencing your long-standing lunch date with her and the Chief. “Dad’s making the ravioli.”

“I’d be there even if there wasn’t ravioli.” You say and Kirsch mouths the word _whipped_ at you before your glare silences him. “When was the last time I missed lunch?”

Laura squints up at you and you remember the time she’s probably thinking of as well, which was the anniversary of her mother’s death last year. You’re not completely sure she understands the part you played that night and you’re not completely sure you want her to.

“Laura – “

“Sunday.” She repeats forcefully.

“Yes.” You nod once. “I’ll be there.”

You watch her walk away and watch her get into her truck and it occurs to you then exactly how much time you’ve spent _watching_ her in the past couple of years and you sigh because _of course_ it has to be Laura that sends your stupid heart into a frantic rhythm.

Of course it has to be Laura.

 

* * *

 

You drag yourself out of bed late on Sunday morning and have some coffee before getting into the shower.

You’re still half asleep by the time Laura texts you _I’m outside_ and so you just manage to shrug on a decent looking shirt before she’s knocking down your front door like the hyperactive child she is.

“Jesus, cupcake.” You say as you open the door. She’s much more put together than you usually, but she’s in sweats and a hoodie today, which you shouldn’t find as attractive as you do, but at this point you’re past denying that Laura is attractive in anything. “You’re like a woodpecker.”

She smiles brightly.

“Ironic, considering I’m a lesbian.”

You mumble at her while she laughs at her own joke and she reminds you gently to lock your door before the two of you head out to where she’s parked her truck on the street. Laura looks both ways before stepping off of the curb so that she can get into the driver’s seat.

The drive from where you live to the Hollis house on the edge of town is a solid fifteen minutes, but Laura’s a speed demon, so the two of you are walking up to the front door in less than ten.

The Chief opens the door and Laura throws herself into his arms without preamble. He nods at you over her shoulder and you smile in return.

Laura starts going on about the new lamp he’s got in the living room and you share another look with her father before moving on to set the table. You know he’s missed her a lot ever since she moved out and that he secretly loves how attentive she is when it comes to the little things he does. It’s cute and really, you can handle setting for three people so you do.

The two of them finally move on from discussing the lamp in great detail a few minutes later. You put away your phone, which you had taken out to send Will a quick text. He goes to school in Canada now and you sometimes forget to communicate with him past a random Instagram comment. He’s busy at school though, so that’s fine.

“Hey, kid.” Chief says as he sits down and you follow suit. “Did you read the brief on the abandoned building yet?”

You haven’t.

“No, why?”

“They’re saying it’s arson.”

Laura’s hands are shaking a little as she hands you the salad and you nudge her a little with your knee to settle her.

“ _The_ arson?” Laura’s voice is a little shaky too. You take the salad and start scooping some onto your plate and you add a little bit more to Laura’s because she basically lives off of cookies. “The famous one?”

It breaks your heart a little when she reacts to fires like this. It’s almost like she needs the notebook and the clothes to distance herself from the emotional baggage that fires seem to carry for her.

“Doesn’t matter.” Chief says gruffly. “All of them are the same low life types.”

“It matters when the two of you are going into burning buildings! If this guy is behind it – he’s known for setting traps. What if one of you gets seriously hurt?”

“Laura – “

You cut the Chief off with a look because he should have known this wasn’t a very good conversation for the two of you to have with his daughter around.

“Laura.” You say and she looks like she’s a little spooked by it all. “Chief isn’t going into any burning buildings. We’ll be fine.”

She nods.

“Just be careful.”

You both reassure her that you’re careful as can be and it’d be a little pathetic how much control she’s got over the two of you if it wasn’t for the fact that she is Laura Hollis, his daughter and your, well, _something_.

“Sorry I brought it up.” Chief says, reaching over to hold Laura’s hand. “You can talk as much as you want during the Seahawks game later.”

That makes Laura laugh a little and you let out the breath you hadn’t realized you were holding. She starts on about one of her recent articles and a woman she had spoken to while researching it and you eat your salad and your ravioli and listen to the way her voice softens just before she lets out a little laugh.

Whatever she is to you, you think, she’s important.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks, Laura hangs out at the station a lot.

It’s one of the perks her job offers, her being able to work from anywhere as long as she has a laptop and a working internet connection. She sits with you most of the time; scribbling away on her notepad while you’re double-checking the schedules to make sure everyone’s needs are being accounted for. She likes to hum under her breath and it’s soothing.

You rib her about it a little bit because even some of the guys are noticing how much she’s around, but your shifts seem shorter and less stressful when she is and she seems more at ease being here so that’s fine.

What’s not fine is how you get caught off guard by the way her cheekbones look under the lights in the lounge or how her hair shines in the sun when the two of you take your work to the roof during sunny days. It’s not fine at all because she’s Laura and _who are you kidding_? She should hate you.

You remember when you were just starting out at the station, how the Chief would ask you to drop in on the high school parties she attended. You remember having to physically restrain yourself from touching her when she first showed you the tattoo she got in secret; she’s not someone you should even be _thinking_ about.

But she makes the station so much softer and makes everyone gather around to eat lunch together. Even the Chief, who swears by his routine to eat alone, comes out of his office on Laura’s orders.

You really can’t control this thing that you feel for her anymore


	3. Chapter 3

You get a little scratched up the next time you respond to a call.

There are people inside the house and so you and Kirsch let yourselves in. He lifts up the woman over his shoulder and you nod for him to leave as you take a look around for any others.

Within seconds, though, parts of the walls are collapsing and you barely manage to squeeze yourself out the door before the house and all of its parts hit the ground burning. Your ribs are a little sore and so you have to lean against the truck a little as the fire is put out. You feel them over your coat and you don’t think they’re broken, but you should probably check them out later.

You’ve barely caught your breath before Laura is all of a sudden in your space, her hands frantically unzipping your jacket and you want to say _whoa, hold up there cutie_ , but there are tear tracks on her face and so you just let her put her cool fingers under your shirt and watch her eyes as she accounts for all of your ribs.

“What the hell took you so long?” She sounds angry as she withdraws her hands. You feel the loss of contact so strongly that it almost takes your breath away all over again.

“I was making sure there weren’t any people in there.” You’re not really sure where all of her emotions are coming from. “I was doing my job.”

She has no response to that except to tug you forward into an embrace and you realize you should probably apologize for scaring her less than a month after you promised that you weren’t going to get yourself into these kinds of situations.

“I’m sorry for worrying you.”

She steps back and it’s like she’s a whole different person. Her jaw is set and you can tell she’s collected herself. You smile even before she makes contact with your cheek and she smiles back.

“I was worried.”

“I know.” You let your hand cover hers and the way her eyes spark at the action makes your heart flip weirdly in your chest. You’re going to kiss her if you don’t let go of her hand now and so you do. “I’ll need to talk to the police when they get here. I’ll meet you back at the station?”

She shakes her head slowly and presses a kiss against your cheek before she puts a respectable distance in between the two of you.

“I think I should go home.” Laura says and you turn your head away from her at the sound of sirens just in time to see police cars and another fire truck coming down the street. Laura looks over too. “That’ll be Dad in that truck, yeah?”

You nod.

“I’ll see you.” She says as you zip your jacket up again. You’ve watched her walk away from you enough to know when something is wrong and something definitely is right now. You want to know what’s going on in her head, but the cops will need to know details about the scene. There’s no doubt in your mind that those walls were weakened before the fire was set.

Houses simply don’t collapse like that.

You _might_ have an arson on your hands.

 

* * *

 

The Chief gives you a few days to recover and you don’t hear from Laura for two of them before she comes knocking at your door at three in the morning on the third day and you want to be pissed off but she’s looking at you like you’ve put the stars in the sky just for her and it makes your throat clog up.

She seems content to just stand outside and look at you, so you swing the door open a little wider, let your weight rest on your arm leaned up against the doorknob.

“I might regret asking this.” You say in the lightest tone you can manage. “But what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

“My mother died in a fire, Carm.”

“I know – “

“Do you also know how much it scares me that the two people I care about the most in this world deal with fires on a regular basis?”

“Laura – “

She shakes her head and rocks back on her heels for a moment before crossing the threshold in one long stride. You’ve barely registered that she’s invading your space before her mouth is on yours and she tastes a little like alcohol and a lot like what you imagine sunshine tastes and you feel like you’re drowning in her.

She lets out this little high pitched moan and you’ve wanted this, wanted her, for so long now that you don’t even think twice before pressing her up against the door as soon as it’s closed behind her. If you’re being honest with yourself, you’ve been imagining what her skin would feel like underneath your fingers since forever so you let your hand slip under her shirt and you swallow the gasp she lets out.

Your hands wander upwards, trailing over her ribs, teasing at the underside of her breasts, before you allow them to slide down towards the front of her jeans. She tenses at the touch and you detach your mouth from hers for a moment. Somehow, you have managed to pin one of her hands above her head and the other is clutching at your hair so tightly it should hurt.

“Is this okay?”

She nods a few times and you kiss her again. You’re actually so focused on keeping your hand steady as you continue your way down her body that Laura catches you completely off guard when she hitches a leg up around your waist and it makes you swear under your breath.

That makes her laugh.

"Hey I don't want this to be weird." She says, pushing some hair out of your face.

"It's already weird."

"No, no. You're still my best friend, I just now know how good you are with your mouth."

"Are you drunk?"

"Not enough to justify this as an accident?"

" _Cupcake_ \- "

"No seriously." She places a wet kiss against the side of your neck and your resistance is gone and dead. "I have needs - "

"Okay, you know what, just shut up - "

"And judging by how many girls you roll through every month, you do too." She uses your momentary distraction to pull herself up, using a hand on your shoulder for leverage. And wow, _yeah_ , you're so much _closer_ when both of her legs are hooked together around your waist.

You both groan at that realization and your foreheads come together.

"I just really think - " Laura's breathing is harsh. "I think we can be friends that sleep together sometimes because - "

"Can I please just fuck you so you can shut up?"

She laughs then and throws her head back and you kiss her chin, trace the curve of her jaw with your lips. Her hands are back in your hair before long and it's seriously addicting, how responsive she is to your touch, how everything you do seems to elicit a reaction from her.

She drags a hand up your back and takes your shirt with it, using the other to guide your head away from her skin so that she can pull the shirt up over your head.

"Oh my god, you're hot." She says and you're not self-conscious by any means, but something about her eyes roving over your body almost makes you want to squirm. It feels a little like nerves, which is weird because it's just Laura. But yeah, it also makes a lot of sense because you can admit to yourself that you’ve been completely mesmerized by her for a while now.

You start unbuttoning what her shirt then because it's only fair and she yanks at the straps of your bra until you eventually allow her to free your arms. Only then does she actually undo the clasp. Her legs grip your waist like a vice and you don't know how long you spend just kissing her, enjoying the way her skin feels before her hands in your hair start to tug.

“This is ‘ _life affirming_ ’ sex, Carmilla.” She says against your lips and you want to smack yourself a little because no matter how close to sober she is, she’s still somewhat _drunk_ , but you are helpless at stopping whatever this is. “You almost died today. We’re gonna need to go a little faster here.”

A part of you wants to stop because you’re not on the same page here _at all_ , but also, maybe, maybe if you have her just this once – maybe you just need to get her out of your system.

You deliberately slow your movements until she starts huffing in annoyance and it makes you laugh a little before setting her down on her feet and taking a step back. She makes a small sound of protest before you drop to your knees.

You feel so incredibly satisfied at how wide her eyes get when you look up at her and you’re still smiling as you start pulling off her pants.

 

* * *

 

It becomes clear to you afterwards, when Laura asks sleepily if she’s allowed to fall asleep in your bed, that sleeping with her is not going to get her out of your system at all. Instead, it’ll probably just make you want her more.

When you wake up in the morning, she’s tangled up in your sheets and she looks so at peace that your mind starts to wander into some time in the future when this is where she’d sleep every night and it’s a mess. You’re a mess for her.

You get up and retrieve the pack of cigarettes in your drawer before opening the window. It’s a little foggy out, so the smoke that comes out of your mouth spirals into the air and disappears.

Smoking relieves stress for you in some situations and the image of Laura in your bed eliciting these kinds of feelings is definitely stressing you out. She’s the Chief’s daughter, first of all, which should have been enough of a deterrent for you considering that you owe him your life and he deserves better than you fucking his daughter against your front door and then again on your couch before she managed to push a hand into your pants.

You blow on your hands because hell, it’s cold out. You hope the cold doesn’t bother her.

She stirs after a while and you put the cigarette out immediately after because you know how much she hates this habit of yours. You hear her get up and groan, so you turn and watch her rummage in your closet for something to wear.

“You should really ask permission before going through my things.” You tell her.

She looks at you over her shoulder and her eyes are still sleepy, her hair messy from the night before when you had your fingers buried in it. She’s adorable.

“Bite me.” She says, slipping into a shirt you forgot you owned. It covers her body down to the middle of her thighs, but her legs are enough to make you swoon at this point. “The least you could have done was covered me up if you were going to have the window open.”

“Maybe I will.”

“Bite me?” There’s that sneaky smile, the one that starts slow, but then morphs into this full on grin within milliseconds. “I think I need breakfast first.”

You put the cigarette down on the windowsill behind you and your heart is pounding as you say with as much nonchalance as you can manage,

“I have some cereal in the kitchen if you were thinking along the lines of that.”

“I was thinking along the lines of you.” She says cheekily and you want to kiss that smile off of her face, but you’re not sure that’s allowed.

“Never took you for a breakfast in bed kind of girl.”

You’re going to regret saying that judging by the look on her face.

“You’re right. I’m an early morning shower kind of girl.”

If the guilt doesn't kill you, she just might.

 

* * *

 

You’re back at the station the next day.

Some of the boys make fun of you for being a drama queen and milking an injury just so you can get a couple of days off duty and you flick their ears, but you’re glad for their attention. It’s like a big family, this crew, and sometimes you feel like their baby sister even though you order them around the majority of the time.

Laura comes in at lunch and you put her in charge of cutting up ingredients for the soup that Kirsch is making. She smiles at you and asks about your flavor of the week, obviously referring to the girls that used to get you through the week, which makes some of the guys laugh.

“Just because I’ve gotten laid more than you losers.” You tell them and they respond by lowering their voices and doing that ‘burn’ thing that they’ve always liked to do. Laura laughs at that and you want to tell her that there’s no way any other girl is getting into your bed again after the havoc she wreaked on your world two nights ago and yesterday morning, but you keep your mouth shut instead.

A call comes in sometime in the afternoon and again, the fire has a trail.

“It’s him isn’t it?” Laura says as soon as she walks onto the scene.

“Who?” You stuff your hands into your pockets because _wow do you ever want to touch_ , and she tilts her head towards the ruined structure.

“That arson guy.” She says. “You know, the famous one.”

“Maybe.” You’re actually pretty sure it is, but you don’t want to scare her. “The police will know more soon. He’ll be caught eventually.”

“I hope so.” She takes out a notebook and pen and you know she’s getting down to business now. “Details?”

It makes your chest hurt, how indifferent she’s acting. It’s almost as if nothing had happened between the two of you and, for all intents and purposes, for Laura, you guess nothing really had.


	4. Chapter 4

The police make little headway when it comes to the case for a solid few months. It’s a little nerve-wracking, knowing that buildings on fire are now a thousand times more dangerous than normal, but better you than any of the guys, at this point.

You have to go in and talk to the Chief about almost every case now just so he can keep up with them. You can barely look at him because it makes you feel incredibly guilty that you now know what it feels like to touch Laura, to coax her into moaning against your mouth while she’s got you pressed against your locker in the change room downstairs, you know now what it takes to make her fall apart.

Weekly lunches are worse, if that’s possible. A part of it is probably because Laura almost always comes over earlier now to pick you up just so she can climb into your lap and make you beg before the two of you have to leave. She’s insatiable and when you tell her so she just shrugs and reminds you of the fact that she told you upfront that she has _needs_.

Yeah, this is obviously _just_ sex for Laura, which is fine, whatever. She did tell you this from the beginning; it’s your stupid brain that has screwed all of this up for you because you keep seeing her in your bed, not rushing to get out in the mornings. You think that maybe you should put a stop to this before you do something stupid.

But Laura is – she’s impossible to keep away from because she makes you laugh and smiles at you like you’re something special.

She could be everything you’d ever need and that scares you beyond belief.

 

* * *

 

You’re squished together in your little bed at the firehouse one day after a round of surprisingly tender sex when your stupidity comes out of your mouth.

“Laura.” You say. “What are we doing here?”

“This is where you work. I mean I know I’m good, but – “

“I’m being serious.”

She turns over and you have to tighten the grip you have on her hip because this bed is so small that even a small shift such as that almost makes you fall off the edge.

“Just pretend I’m one of the other girls.” She says and you respond without thinking.

“What other girls?”

She doesn’t breathe for a moment.

“You know, the weekly ones.”

“I can’t.” Your nose skims along her hairline and she snuggles further into you. “None of them were ever my boss’s daughter.”

“Please let’s not talk about my Dad while we’re doing this.”

“We’re not doing anything!”

She drops her mouth to your collarbone and starts to suck her way up your neck, but you push her back a little.

“Let’s never tell him this is happening.” You say.

“I value your life, _of course_ we’re not telling him this is happening.” She props herself up on an elbow. “Are we doing the friends with benefits thing?”

“We can do whatever you want to do.”

“I want to cuddle.” She yawns and how someone can be so cute and so sexy at the same time, you’ll never know. “I’m sleepy.”

You pull her closer and she comes willingly. She makes this sound so simple, but you’ve got these feelings that’s making it nearly impossible for you to keep it that way in your head.

 

* * *

 

The next few weeks are relatively quiet.

You save an antelope after it gets stuck in someone’s fence, but that’s about it. There is a lot of paperwork to do and a lot of collaborating with the police. They think they have a lead, which is a pleasant surprise. The unfortunate thing is that you all will have to wait for the next fire to get more.

Laura comes over more frequently and sometimes she’s only there to put her arms around you and sleep. You ask her about it once and all you get from her is a mumbled _I thought we were friends with benefits, Carmilla_ and _cuddling is a benefit_ and _unless you want me to find another friend with benefits, we’re cuddling_.

Any reason to hold Laura really is enough for you so you accept it. It just becomes another thing that you do together.

 

* * *

 

Two more weeks pass without an arson incident and then all of a sudden a string of fires spring up around the county.

Your team fails to preserve evidence in one of the fires and the police chief yells at you for it, which doesn’t really bother you until he starts picking on the guys too. They don’t believe they have the authority to argue with him and so they don’t fight back. And yeah, you have a real issue with people picking fights with others they know can’t hit back.

On top of that, a young child dies in one of the house fires and the Chief chews you out a little for not managing the rescue. You get angry because _of course_ you tried your best to get there without risking the lives of anyone in the process, but you failed. You find out from Laura’s friends, the paramedic ginger twins, that the child’s mother is in the hospital and so you send flowers.

You understand that the Chief is upset about the life lost, but _it happens_.

He doesn’t see it that way and you don’t want to argue with him so you try to sleep it off.

This is what you’re trying to do when the door to your room opens. It makes you sigh because this shift has been hell on Earth so far and you don't think you can take another person yelling at you.

Right now, you're in that beautiful space in between sleep and consciousness, everything is soft and a little out of focus in your mind and you really don't want to be woken up right now, even if it's something to do with the baseball game on TV, the guys know the Giants are your favorite and you always appreciate them helping you to keep up with the team _except_ for right now, so you keep your eyes closed because maybe they'll get the hint and leave you alone, but then your blanket is being lifted and a familiar weight settles atop of one of your thighs. Slim fingers are undoing your belt buckle and you're suddenly so very aware.

Your hands shoot out to grasp Laura's hips and you feel her airy chuckle more than you hear it.

"The boys said you were sleeping." She says softly. She sounds amused about this fact. "I told them you wouldn't mind me waking you up."

You groan as she shifts her weight onto her knees and slide one of her hands to the small of your back. She says _up_ so that she can take your belt off and when you comply, she moans a little because it makes your hipbone brush up against her.

But Laura is nothing if not focused though and the little bit of contact doesn't hinder her progress. She's pulling your pants down within seconds and your underwear is going with them. You help her out by kicking them off when they pool at your ankles and you're about to say something snarky like _you're welcome, sweetheart_ but she chooses that moment to spread your legs and press her mouth right against your clit.

"Laura." You breathe out and her eyes are clearly smiling when she looks up at you, mouth still sucking and licking. She's pushed all of her hair over to one side and the tendrils brushing against the skin of your thigh provides a beautiful contrast.

She's everywhere. One of her hands is holding yours while the other strokes your leg absentmindedly. The sight of her head between your legs from underneath the blanket makes your head spin and when she uses her teeth - 

"Laura!"

You are aware you're screaming and the whine that rips itself out of your throat when she detaches her mouth from you is downright embarrassing, but you can't care less right now.

"Carmilla." She says mock seriously. "You are at work."

And then she's dipping down again and her hand that was once holding yours is now pressed against your mouth while the other is pushing into you and _her_ mouth is still doing perfect things and it's too much, you're going to explode.

You feel her smile against your clit and you think the suction she's able to create with her mouth should be _illegal_ before she's curling her fingers inside of you and you have to bite down on her palm as you come because the sounds that want to come out of your mouth are not human.

It takes several minutes before you are able to come down from your high and she's still sitting on your lap grinning like a cat.

"You liked that?" She asks, wiping her mouth using the back of her hand. Her palm is red with teeth marks.

"Yeah." You say.

"See I knew I could make you feel better."

_Laura_ , you want to say, _I’ve known that forever_.

 

* * *

 

Laura comes home with you that night. And the next morning, she lets you lay her out on your bed and worship her body.

She’s gorgeous and you take your time to kiss every inch of her skin and touch all the parts of her that causes her to let out your favorite moan. You even swirl your tongue over that tattoo that has driven you crazy for years.

At first you chalk it up to the sun illuminating the usually dark room, but it feels like something’s changed and it’s only when she’s gasping your name and clutching at your neck that you realize how utterly screwed you are.

_You are in love with Laura Hollis_.

You’re in love with her and the vice grip around your heart only tightens when she takes the time to kiss you before she leaves. It’s slow and makes your toes curl and you want to haul her back into your bedroom, but she steps away and out the door before you can.

But you _can’t_ have her. You killed her mother and her father probably won’t approve and he has done so much for you that you should probably respect his wishes.

You think, when she sits next to you at the firehouse the next time you see her though, that maybe she’s starting to feel something too.

 

* * *

 

Realizing that you love Laura brings forth a lot of unsettling feelings.

Your first instinct is to try and distance yourself because this is completely unacceptable and you probably should just try to squash these feelings, but then she’ll do something, like come over to help you chop up vegetables and prepare dinner for the two of you, that makes you fall in love all over again.

It bothers you for a while and it must show on your face because even Kirsch tries to pry into your business. You manage to shake him off, but the Chief is a whole different story.

He’s known you since you were a stupid kid running around town with the wrong crowd and he’s your boss, but a father figure first and foremost, you should have known he’d pick up on this.

“Did you and Laura have a fight?” He asks after you catch him up on everything that occurred in the county within the last day.

“No.”

“C’mon, kid. I know that face. She’s my daughter, but I’ll forget that for a minute if I need to.”

You actually choke on your own spit at this point because _if only he knew_.

“We didn’t fight.”

“Sure seems like it.” He continues to flip through your reports at a slow pace. “You two ignore each other for fun now?”

“Chief – “

“There’s something on your mind, Karnstein. Spit it out.”

You don’t think about what you say next. There seems to be something about the Hollis gene that makes you lose your ability to control what comes out of your mouth.

“I started the fire that killed your wife.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“Did you personally light the match?”

You don’t respond. You hadn’t realized exactly how much this has been bothering you until now.

“I didn’t think so.” He continues to flip the pages of your report. “I don’t blame you for that and Laura shouldn’t either.”

“She – “

“She has known what your part in this was since she was young. If she’s giving you hell about this now – “

“She isn’t.”

“Then what’s the problem?” He snorts. “You finally get attached to some girl?”

_Oh, god_.

He chuckles and closes the report before handing it back to you.

“That day at the police station. You reminded me a lot of myself.” He looks up at you from where he’s sitting and he always makes you feel _worth it_ when he looks at you like he’s proud of what you’ve become. “You’re a good kid. Got a solid head on your shoulders. Use it.”


	5. Chapter 5

The good solid head on your shoulders tells you that ignoring Laura is a bad idea and so you stop. She seems like her head is in the clouds more than usual these days and it scares the shit out of you when, in the middle of humming with her mouth full, she chokes on an orange as the two of you are working on your respective projects.

“Are you alright?”

She looks at you then and there’s something new in her eyes that you can’t quite place.

“Fine.” She says, going back to her notebook.

_She_ ignores _you_ for the rest of the day and you wonder what you did wrong.

 

* * *

 

The arson sets a few more houses on fire within the next month. Kirsch almost has to get surgery on his knee after a pipe that was obviously tampered with to trigger its fall comes down on his leg while he’s carrying someone out of the place. You have to have a smoke after because _that was close_ and Laura berates you for it, but also seems to understand.

She stays at the station later than usual and follows you when you get into your bed for a nap in the middle of the night. She holds you against her chest and her heartbeat is soothing under your ear.

“You were worried for Kirsch earlier, yeah?”

“Of course I was.”

“That’s how I feel when you go rushing into burning buildings.”

You fight the way your breath catches.

“Chief and I are careful – “

She shakes her head and a strangled _no_ comes out of her mouth.

“I’m not talking about my Dad. I worry for him too, but he’s not usually on the scene.” She tilts your head up and taps your cheek with a finger and you smile at her despite the fact that your stomach is a fluttering mess right now. The way she smiles back might be one of your favorite things in the whole world.

“There you are.” She says and you lean up to kiss her because you love her and you’re not sure how she feels, but maybe you’re willing to wait for her as long as you have to. Laura only pulls away when you’re both breathless and she cups your cheeks, keeps you close. “I worry for you, Carm.”

“That doesn’t sound like a benefit.” You say jokingly because your chest feels really heavy right now.

Laura downright ignores the statement.

“You should sleep.” She says, kissing you again. “I’ll make sure you don’t fall off the bed.”

“How romantic.”

“I try.” She starts to rub circles against your back and you wonder exactly when she found out how much that particular gesture affects you. “I’ve got you.”

 

* * *

 

The alarm wakes you up and you spring out of bed bleary eyed. Laura sits up and you realize she’s been awake this whole time.

You start to ask her how long you’ve been asleep, but she cuts you off by kissing you so soundly that it makes you stumble a little.

“Be careful.” She says fiercely. “See you later.”

You smile the whole way to the engine.

 

* * *

 

You get this horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach as soon as you enter the house.

First of all, it smells like burning flesh and you can hear crying so you go up the stairs to try and find the source, but there are blocks of cement scattered everywhere and by the time you register that the guy setting these fires also sets traps, your hands are hitting the ground in front of you and your vision is going hazy.

It feels like your world has collapsed.

 

* * *

 

When you regain consciousness, all you can think is _someone please stop the goddamn beeping_. You can’t move without your whole body shaking from the effort and you’re having a lot of difficulty breathing.

“Karnstein!” You can hear someone yelling. “Call out, Karnstein!”

You want to say _yes, here_ , but it feels like you’re trying to breathe under water and you can see Laura behind your closed eyes and she’s smiling and gesturing for you to come closer and you shut your eyes tight and let her take your hand.

 

* * *

 

You’re in a beautiful meadow and Laura is there.

She’s wearing a yellow sundress and her hair is in a braid and she’s singing that song she likes to sing under her breath sometimes while she’s working. She keeps spinning just out of your grasp and laughing every time you lunge out to try and take a hold of her waist.

“I’ve got you, kid.” Someone says and the meadow fades away a little and you fight to keep the image of Laura intact, but soon she too is slipping and that feeling of not being able to breathe is back again except this time it’s accompanied by a sharp pain that makes you want to scream.

“I’ve got you. Open your eyes, kid. Come on.” The voice sounds a little like Laura’s, but not enough and you must be crying because your face feels sticky. “Karnstein, you’re fine.”

 

* * *

 

You are fully and truly conscious as soon as your back hits the surface of the stretcher.

It’s too bright and you feel like someone’s got a hold of your brain and is shaking it with both hands. You think you can hear screaming and metal hitting metal and there are people touching you and you _still_ can’t breathe.

“Vitals.” Someone says and you want to say _I can’t breathe_ , but nothing is coming out of your mouth and so you close your eyes again and try to bring back the image of Laura holding your hand, laughing and it must work because someone takes a hold of your hand and the warmth of it feels like hers.

Your chest feels like it’s collapsing in on itself though and it’s so so cold wherever you are. You’re shivering and your teeth are chattering and you’re back in the meadow and Laura is with you. The skirt of her dress is fluttering in the wind and she’s holding her hand out and you want to reach out -

“Carmilla.” She says and her voice sounds fuzzy to your ears. “Carm, look at me. Come on, keep your eyes open, babe. Come on, please.”

It takes a lot of energy for your eyes to open, but _oh it is so worth it_ because you can see Laura again and you must smile because she smiles back at you and then someone is slipping something over your mouth and nose and the world becomes a little clearer.

She doesn’t look like she belongs in this brightness and you keep trying to go back to the meadow, but her hand squeezes yours every time you try to close your eyes.

“Carmilla.” Someone else says and you try to turn your head to see who it is, but you can’t. “You need to keep your eyes open Carmilla, okay?”

Laura squeezes your hand and you keep your eyes on her, counting the eyelashes that rhythmically brush against the tops of her cheekbones, trying to memorize the curve of her jaw and she must know what you’re thinking because she turns to let your eyes continue on their path but then – _why is she looking away_?

You promised to keep your eyes open but all of a sudden, the pain sears your flesh and it’s the sharpest pain you have ever felt and you’re no longer drowning but instead you’re on fire and the meadow –

“Carmilla, no. No, please.” There are hands on your face and you can see Laura spinning around in her pretty sundress and you want to sing along to the song she’s humming, but you don’t remember how it goes. “Carm. I love you. Please.”

You must be in the meadow, you must be. Someone says something and Laura is laughing. It’s without humor, but she’s laughing and you want to put flowers in her hair.

Maybe daffodils.

“You’re gonna be okay. You hear me? I love you so much, Carmilla. This is really bad timing.” There’s that laugh again. “But you knew this before, right? You know how much – open your eyes, come on.”

You do what she asks and a shock of electricity goes through your body at the sight of her watery eyes and the world is spinning and your head really really hurts right now.

“There you are.” She says and one of her hands is on your cheek and she’s smoothing your hair back and she’s humming. You can’t feel the parts of you she’s not touching.

You want to tell her that she’s beautiful and that you’ll chase her forever in that meadow as long as you can see her smile and hear her laugh, but before you can, your world starts to go black and you use all the energy you have left in your body to squeeze her hand.

“It’s okay now, babe. I’m here, okay? I’m here. Just go to sleep for a little while, I’ll be right here, Carm. I love you.”

You love her too, _god_ , do you ever. There is nothing in this world you can possibly love more than you love Laura right now in this moment.

She starts humming and you want to say _sing, Laura_ , but it hurts so much and maybe you were wrong about crying before because now you can feel the tears burning your face and when you think about it, your whole body feels like it’s burning and you wonder if you’re going to die.

But then Laura _is_ singing and you feel her lips press against the back of your hand and you’re not dying, you can’t be. You’re just going to sleep for a bit. Just a nap, you’ve done this a million times before in your small room at the station, in Laura’s bed, on your couch. It’s just a short sleep.

“You’re okay.” Laura pauses in her singing to say and you believe her like you believe Will when he says your nose reminds him of your father’s. “I love you, you’re okay.”

You believe her.


	6. Chapter 6

You open your eyes to the sight of Laura sitting in the chair beside your bed. She’s reading a book and the way her hair sparkles in the sun makes you think of your ambulance hallucinations.

“Am I dead?” You say without thinking and her head turns towards you so quickly that you see her wince.

“Oh my god.” She says, rushing to your side. “You’re awake. Okay, are you in pain, should I – should I call the nurse? Or the doctor? Or, I should get Will! He’s here, by the way. His plane came in last night – “

“Cupcake.” Your throat feels really scratchy and you’re aware of the stabbing pain in your chest. “Can I have some water?”

She nods vigorously as she holds a paper cup to your lips. The water feels good in your mouth and soothes your throat, but it feels like it’s burning the rest of your body.

“What happened?” You ask because you remember only bits and pieces, like the smell of burning flesh and the beeping and Laura’s _I love you_ s steadying your heartbeat. Speaking of, yours skips a beat at the thought.

“A large part of ceiling fell on you and you damaged your lungs.” Her voice sounds shaky and your eyes are closing again without permission. “Dad had to – he had to go in and get you, Carm.”

You wince at the thought of Laura having to watch her father leave her to look for you in that building.

“I was so scared. I kept thinking he’d come out without you. When they put you in that ambulance, oh god, I was hysterical.”

“I remember the screaming.” You try to smile, but you’re not sure how well that works because all of your muscles feel stiff.

She takes a hold of your hand and you feel her fingers shaking.

“Do you – do you remember anything else?”

There’s a lot of beeping again, but this time it comes from the heart rate monitor above your bed and a nurse comes in soon after. Laura must have pressed the call nurse button.

Within seconds, you’re slipping under again and you try to fight it, but Laura says,

“It’s okay, Carmilla, I’ve got you.”

And you trust that.

 

* * *

 

Will is there the next time you wake up and you make small talk with him and laugh about all the flowers at the foot of your bed. The guys come to visit you in shifts too and their familiar, gruff affection makes you feel a lot more at ease. You miss Laura at your bedside though, and you wonder where she’s gone.

The Chief comes in one day while Will is at the cafeteria and you sit up. He looks serious and the expression only fades when he tells you the police caught the arson.

“That’s good.”

“It is.” He acknowledges.

He is silent for a long time and even makes himself comfortable in the chair beside your bed. You almost forget he’s there until he says,

“So how long have you and my daughter been seeing each other?”

You think the doctors may have to give you a new heart because yours seizes up at his words.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” You can’t look at him. “How long?”

“I’m sorry.” You say instead of answering because Laura can do so much better and he probably regrets getting you off the streets now that he knows you’ve gone and taken advantage of his daughter.

“And I’m sorry you two thought you had to hide it from me.” You hear him get up. “You can do a lot worse than Laura Hollis, kid.”

“Yes, sir.” You say.

“And she can do a lot worse than you.”

You chance a look at him and he’s smiling.

He walks over to your bed and kisses your forehead before he leaves.

 

* * *

 

Laura comes to the hospital the next day so that Will can go to his hotel and shower. She takes your hand and a seat in the chair beside the bed.

“Did my Dad give you the third degree last night?” She asks.

“Did you tell him?”

“ _Of course not_.” She looks a little sheepish. “It wouldn’t have taken a genius to put the pieces together once I fought past two grown men to get to you in that ambulance, though.”

You look at her and your heart is pounding, you’re pretty sure the monitor is beeping behind you too. She bites her lip.

“Carm, I – “

“I know.” You squeeze her hand. “I remember.”

She ducks her head to hide her smile and you feel giddy at the sight.

“I love you too, Laura.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do.”

You bring your joined hands up to your lips and the look on her face makes you want to kiss her and so you pull her in until her knees are pressed to the side of the bed.

“I love you.” You say, reaching for her. She brings a hand to your cheek and you’ve never smiled quite this wide at her touch.

“There you are.” She says.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [We begin as plans and build to dreams](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3733357) by [geoclaire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geoclaire/pseuds/geoclaire)




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